Questions on service...loooonnnggg post

What’s really reasonable?

Just curious. It seems like life is all about finding this out, to me. We are supposed to love one another, but we’re not supposed to be naïve and trust everyone. We’re supposed to not judge, but we’re supposed to have righteous judgment. We’re supposed to be our best selves-but is that ever a set thing? Isn’t it always changing? And we’re supposed to serve. Like crazy. Right? But this seems impossible.

I had a discussion a while ago with a friend who doesn’t believe in the same things I do, almost about…the point of life. In an indirect way. Perhaps OUR point in life. Their basic idea was that there’s nothing wrong with having your best interests at heart. This doesn’t sound so bad…

…but it just kind of doesn’t fit to me. It’s like when somebody’s just said something you know isn’t true, you just can’t remember why. Kind of like that.

I told them I feel like the ultimate point for us is to lose ourselves in service to others. But as someone who used to be Mormon and isn’t anymore, they didn’t seem to really accept or respect this answer.

Maybe they’re partly right. Because I preach that that’s what I think is most important, and that the only way to be truly happy is in service to others. Is in living FOR others. But do I do that? No. I have my list of excuses: I’m shy, I’m sensitive, I feel more comfortable keeping to myself than going out and searching for things I can do for others. I feel like I’d feel stupid doing that-even at 21, I’m still no good at making friends. (Don’t worry, I’m friendLY, I just consider actual friends hard to come by.)

So I’m selfish. Most of the things I do in the day, I do for me. I get on facebook because it’s entertaining. I eat because I’m hungry or because something looks tasty. I went to school because I had to. Same with getting dressed/ready for the day. Where is the service in that?

CAN you even serve, if you’re shy? I’m not shy the way I once was-but lots of people still intimidate me, I still prefer not to try to hold a conversation with them. This is such a discouraging thought: unless you’re outgoing, you can’t serve. But it does seem a lot harder to me, from an introvert’s perspective.

I had a Psychology class called ‘Personality,’ and a teacher I really loved. He was probably one of my favorite teachers in my whole college career (so far). He was so good at challenging the normal way of thinking, even the normal teacher’s perspective. He made us question everything. One thing I really liked was when he pointed out things that were very American, a very American, western thing. (He grew up in America but had lived and traveled all over before deciding to teach at BYU-Idaho, of all places.)

One thing that he pointed out was very American was the constant push about satisfying ourselves. It’s all about the individual. And it’s all about being comfortable as things are, instead of trying to change for the better. This rang true to me: when, as a teenager, a friend would tell me something negative about themselves, my automatic response was to disagree. Was this true? Not always-sometimes, they were actually right with what they were criticizing. But did I encourage them to fix the behavior that needed fixing? No. Better to ignore the evidence and give temporary justification, right? Hm.

It seemed so true to me that Americans are all about satisfying the self. Everything seems to be working toward this: there are advertisements saying things like ‘Because you’re worth it’ or ‘Go ahead, indulge’ or whatever the case may be. There are self-help books all over the place, all about making you feel good about yourself.

But aren’t we missing a blaring, obvious truth in all this searching for the ‘best life’? If all we’re doing is focusing on what we’re unhappy about in our lives, and what we want to fix to make ourselves better…it’s still all about us. Even any service we do, with encouragement from those ‘self-help’ books, is done with the wrong motives. It’s done for us. For what it will do for us.

I don’t like this. I don’t like it at all.

My psychology teacher talked about how when he lived with bushmen in Africa, how their society was so completely different. They still had natural man tendencies I’m sure-they still thought of themselves. But they ignored it: their society flourished on the contribution of every member, for every member. Does that make sense? So an elderly widow never had to worry about if she’d have enough to eat-she was a member of their society, and so she was fed. Of course. Naturally.

This is beautiful. This feels more right.

I wish I could be this way. Throw out what people say about what I ‘deserve’: lots of people don’t get what they deserve, and lots of people don’t deserve what they get. I don’t want to even care. I want to make a difference in others’ lives, not because of how it will make me feel but because it’s right. And because they may need it.

I guess I just worry: is this reasonable? I hope so. I live so much for myself, that I think my soul is sick of it. Just as our souls need spiritual nourishment from doing things like reading scriptures, saying prayers, going to church, perhaps they need nourishment from serving. Faith without works is dead, after all (James 2:20).

The best way I can mesh this ideal with reality is kind of the psychologist Alfred Adler’s idea. The best life we can live is one devoted to others, and yet we do take care of our own needs. But we don’t take care of our needs just because ‘We’ve earned it;’ we take care of them so that we can serve better.

Example: A mother of six children probably has very little time to herself or for herself, all day long. So let’s say her husband, when he gets home from work, takes over with the cooking and watching the children, and she takes a bath and reads a book for an hour. Every day.

Does she do this just because she deserves it? With this idea, no: she does it because she’ll go insane if she doesn’t take a break. Will she be a good mom as an insane person? Will she make her children as happy if she’s just resenting their presence by the end of the day? How about her husband: will she be able to give him what he needs in the relationship, if all she’s been doing is giving all day? No. So she takes care of that need of hers, and then when it’s done she’s refreshed and ready to fulfill her duties better than she could have before.

See?

That’s what I want. That’s what seems ideal…with just a little thing nagging at me.

I don’t think people are selfish who work hard and ‘take breaks,’ really just for themselves. I don’t look down my nose at those who like to go out to eat, who pursue hobbies because they enjoy them. Indeed, aren’t we encouraged to develop our talents? …but then again we’re supposed to consecrate of our time and talents in the service of God, anyway…What about vacations? I don’t think or feel vacations are wrong or bad, and indeed church leaders have encouraged families to take vacations together to make memories.

THIS is it. THIS is where it doesn’t mesh, and I’m still trying to figure out how to make it mesh better. I don’t like having a ‘church’ idea and a ‘real world’ idea, separate. Because if what we learn in church isn’t applicable to our lives, it’d be pointless.

Maybe…hm. Maybe the point isn’t necessarily for us to be serving every minute of the day. That isn’t even possible for a lot of us (students, for example). Maybe the point is that opportunities WILL be presented to us, and when they are we need to take advantage of them. And if we don’t see opportunities, we should go find them. But we don’t need to every moment of the day, or even until we collapse. And I’m not sure how to tell if we’ve searched enough, but maybe that’s kind of the same as the question “Have you done your best?” Sometimes it’s hard to tell, but I’ve heard if you don’t know just think how much effort you put into it, or how much time you spent on it. If nothing else, this is a way to measure effort. Time spent.

Does that make sense? I hope so. I guess I’ve just given this a lot of thought, lately: how should I be spending my days? Since time is precious.

CONfession

Happy New Year!

It’s been quite some time since I last updated this lovely little blog, and for good reason. You see…I’m prego!!! I wanted to wait to be able to tell all about it, and now that I’m 13 weeks along (and few if any people actually read this thing) it’s probably safe to write about.

We found out three days before Sam’s birthday (which is November 8th). We’d gone ‘all natural’ in October, and decided we’d just see what would happen. I keep telling people I feel very strongly Heavenly Father knows exactly what he’s doing when it comes to choosing when to send kids-I really feel like that applies to us. For a number of reasons, but one being because we had fears and doubts and who knows, I might have chickened out and gone back on birth control in November. But that door has closed! Too late now! J

It was actually really early in the morning, but I felt restless because my period hadn’t come when it was supposed to and I kept wondering, “Could it be? I know it’s unlikely…but could it be?” Finally I could take it no longer, hopped out of bed and took a test in the bathroom (we’d had a scare in May and I still had an extra one from then). I can’t tell you how anxious I felt-I was excited and nervous and trying so hard to tell myself not to be disappointed when it would say I wasn’t pregnant…and then that second line appeared within 20 seconds. Two lines! Positive! Pregnant!!! I grabbed Sam’s hand, yanked him out of bed with my only explanation being “honey! Come look! Come look, you have to see this!” And danced, squealed, giggled, and hugged my sweetheart for half an hour straight. And so the journey began. We decided we would keep it to ourselves for a while, because I’d had so many friends have miscarriages at different times in the year and didn’t want to announce it to everyone only to have that happen.

The next day we headed up to Idaho, so Sam could have a nice horseback ride for his birthday with his dad and brother. It’s a tradition for him to have at least one good one in the fall. I insisted he take the camera along…but I’d forgotten I’d taken all these pics of the positive pregnancy test, and when his brother asked to look through the pictures Sam had taken of their ride…surprise!

We only made it ONE day until someone found out! Wow. J

I just laughed and laughed, but that made us decide to tell our parents and swear Jotham to secrecy.

Since then I’ve been pretty sick…it hasn’t been an easy pregnancy, to be sure. For some horrible reason, I’d wake up and feel fine, but feel sick right when we needed to leave for school. Maybe it had to do with how long I’d been awake or something…I didn’t think it was a clever joke on fate’s part. Other than that initial feeling sick in the morning, which I just had to barrel through, I’d usually get the most sick around 5-6 at night. And REALLY need a nap at about 2 or 3 in the afternoon. I can tell you honestly though, that although I really hate the feeling of throwing up, I was always relieved when I actually would because I felt better those days. But that only happened once or twice a week-the rest of the days I just had to deal with it.

It was a treat finally getting to tell our siblings-we told mine (other than Dan and Britany, who we told earlier when they were visiting) on Christmas day, and Sam’s on the day of the Hatch family party (the 28th). I gave Sam some baby clothes which he opened in front of my family, and Loalee (my mother-in-law) gave me some pacifiers which I also opened in front of everyone. Fun times. J That makes 4 babies on the Hatch side that will be arriving in 2011, and 3 on the Christensen side! And I wouldn’t be surprised if that number gets bumped up to 4, too!

We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time on December…7th? Or 9th or something, and to see it. That was crazy-I couldn’t stop giggling, I was just so excited and thought it was so surreal. I don’t think the woman conducting the ultrasound appreciated my tummy rising and falling with laughter-didn’t make her job any easier. But she was a good sport. Sam said “Look honey, you’re growing a…blob” since neither of us had any idea what it was we were seeing until the specialist put little plus signs on the screen showing where the baby started and stopped. But when we spotted it, that was really special.

I also felt it move for the first time about two weeks ago, when I was about 12 weeks along. That’s really early, if you don’t know, but we were at a BYU basketball game and it can hear by now. So I think it just flipped out with all the noise. THAT was even more crazy-I was reading Harry Potter at halftime, and I felt this little poke on the inside. I stopped what I was doing abruptly and stared at my belly. I put my hand on it, and about ten minutes later sure enough I felt another little poke, on the inside and out! It was not painful, it was just like… “Mom! Where are we?! I hate this place! Get me outta here right now!!!” That’s what I think anyway. J Sam didn’t get to feel it but he will soon, I’m sure.

I guess there’s only one other side to the story that I’m not sure all mommies-to-be experience, but I doubt many in mormon culture talk about. I mean the side of me that isn’t even sure if I want to be a mom yet. I knew it was there but felt kind of ashamed of it, until two stories from sisters in law (one on each side). The first was her telling of her mom, when her mom’s youngest (so my sister in law’s youngest sibling) was in the oven. She hadn’t been planning on this baby, and she didn’t want it for a long time. It took the length of the entire pregnancy for her to be able to be excited about its arrival. But when it came, she was.

The second story was of my sister in law herself, told by her husband. He talked about how when they decided to ‘see what happened’ and go off birth control, neither of them expected to get pregnant for quite some time. So when they found out they were immediately, it was pretty overwhelming. They were also poor students, and had fears of how they were going to get by as well. And she…she just wasn’t even ready for it yet. She wanted to be a mom, but the idea was still…so overwhelming. So intense. It took her some time to get beyond that, to be totally fine with what was coming and put not only her fears but…I don’t know, desires? Of not being ready for this step, behind her.

Truth be told, and I won’t confess this often but I figured might as well be honest, I do feel that way right now. I’m really excited, and this is really amazing, but I also can’t believe this is happening in kind of a terrified way. I don’t feel ready and kind of want to postpone the inevitable. Which makes me feel pretty guilty, too-I know this is an incredible gift, and I have some people very close to me who have been trying for much longer than Sam and I did to be able to start their families and haven’t been able to.

But I’m scared of this step-as far as I can tell it’s the second biggest one I’ll ever take, next to getting married in the temple. I’m scared of what it could mean for Sam and my relationship-I know it’ll have to change in a lot of ways, and selfishly I don’t want to have to give up a lot of what I have with him right now as things are.
Does that make me a bad Mormon? …that kind of makes me smile. I hope it does, for scandal’s sake. How silly. Life will come, the baby will come, and though I’m both really excited and really terrified right now…everything will be ok.

Fun times :)

So I didn't write for a long time, mainly due to a post I'll do next. I chose to write on another site, at onetwocheck.weebly.com , for a while, but for now I've decided to switch back. Surprise!...

Since I last wrote:

we celebrated Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas

we took two trips up to Franklin

Sam turned 24

the semester ended (Hallelujuah!)

and I got my Associate's degree. Woo hoo!

I'm sure lots of other things happened too, but I'll just stick with these.

Halloween was fun-we dressed up as Popeye and Olive Oyl (his woman) for a ward party, and just watched a movie the day before. We got invited to other things but I had a deadline for an online class so most of the day was spent doing homework.

Franklin

was fun, as it always is. When we went up right before Sam's birthday, he went for a horseback ride with his brother Jotham

and dad, and I just hung around the house and played with Mosey. (That's Sam's dog-she's old, and a real sweetheart.)

I can't really remember what else we did...we went to church, played games, and

visited James and Jenna, but everything else is a blur. Still, it was enjoyable. :) Oh! They took me to a dairy farm! Fun stuff.

Sam's birthday was actually a pretty normal day for the most part, he having to work and go to school. But at night we celebrated with my family at an Indian restaurant Sam and I have taken a liking to here in Provo, called India Palace or something. I always forget the name. I gave him one thing that's a secret, and two seasons of the Cosby show on DVD since he loves it.

Thanksgiving we spent with the Hatches this year, with all in attendance except Sam's sister Jessiann and her family (who live in California). G

ood eatin, good company, good times. I felt sick the whole weekend but I didn't tell anyone cause I didn't want them to know. We also went and chopped down our very own Christmas tree, which was way cool! It snowed a lot and was freezing so I didn't actually go up and choose it, but I went up part way (where all the kids and women waited) and just read a book and played with the kids till Sam came back. It was pretty fun having our very own little Christmas tree to decorate, let me tell ya.

The semester ended with grades...well, I passed all except one class. But the one that was most important, my horrid Statistics class, I got a B in! A B!!! So that was my last class I needed to take at BYU-Idaho, and I have my Associate's now. :D SO HAPPY!!!!!

I have a lot of different thoughts about school, but basically for now I've decided...I need to lay off a bit. I hate school, I hate studying and tests and TEXTBOOKS! And learning shouldn't be that way-an agony. So hopefully with this new decision, I'll be able to learn more and actually have it last longer, with not having to worry about a deadline coming up. It makes me feel relieved even thinking about it: school started again today, and I'll only be ta

king one class this semester (a cooking class). It felt like a breath of fresh air!

Christmas time! Christmas was really great. My brother Dan and his wife Britany came and spent two weeks in Provo from...I don't remember what day, until the 17th. We really enjoyed their company-we, along with the rest of the family except Nate and his clan, played games, went to a Carl Bloch exhibit, ate out, played on the wii and generally enjoyed one another's company. We had a fun quadruple date the last night they were here, and they were nice enough to move it up in the evening so Sam could join in (he had to work that night).

The boys had a field goal-kicking contest, and I took pictures. We talked lots, ate lots and laughed lots. I'm so glad they could come-I really love my family.

The next week, Sam and I just had fun not worrying much about anything. We watched movies, went Christmas shopping, tried to go sledding, etc. Nate's group arrived on the 23rd, and we spent good time with them. I'm so surprised how different my nephews Jared and Zachary are! Zach (who will be 3 in April) is now talking like crazy, and Jare

d is crawling. Nate just finished up with a job he hates, so I was so happy to get to see them on the brink of a new adventure: he's about to start at a Police Academy in Denver.

Christmas Eve we had the traditional reading of the Christmas story and singing hymns throughout, and then eggnog and pjs. Christmas morning we all opened presents, and I shared some news. :) Ike, Sarah and co arrived around...eleven? I can't remember, and we enjoyed their company too with games, playing in the snow and a trip to the stake center to play in the gym. Woo hoo!

After two more days of fun with the Christensens, we headed up to Idaho to spend time with the Hatches. We saw a little boy out front playing in the snow when we drove up, and couldn't figure out who it was. Surprise! It was Jeremiah, one of our nephews from California! Jessiann and co surprised us all with a visit-we thought they were going to stay in California for the holidays, so it was wonderful to see them. It was really neat to have everyone there, and get to enjoy one another.

While there, we played games, ate good food, played with the many grandkids, and celebrated our anniversary. Sam and I were treated to dinner by all the other adults (the grandkids babysat each other) and then we went to the temple for a session, all together. That was really something special-Darren, Loalee, all their children and all their spouses in the celestial room together. Sam and I are truly blessed to have families with the same standards and beliefs we have.

Sam got really sick Thursday night, so we didn't enjoy New Year's Eve as much as perhaps we would have otherwise. But we had a yummy dinner, watched a fun movie, and just talked with Sam's parents (at that point, all others had departed). His sickness delayed our return home until Sunday afternoon, but we are once again home in our little apartment in Provo now, safe and sound.

I think that's a pretty good update of events. Sorry if it's dull-I don't have room to put all my thoughts about all these things, too! Next time. :)

October 19, 2010

Thoughts on faith10/19/2010

1 Comment(s)

I talked with a cousin I haven’t talked with in a long time tonight. It was really nice, and also uncomfortable and frustrating and saddening. If you read this, cousin, I love you and hope you don’t now think I’m judgmental and self-righteous. I wasn’t trying to be.

This cousin grew up only half an hour away, but I never really knew him very well. He’s about 6 years older than myself, and our families only really met up once a year. He’s not active in the LDS church currently, and hasn’t been for almost 3 years.

It’s so hard for me to display what I think without sounding self-righteous. This is so frustrating! I don’t know how to say “this is what I think” without them interpreting it as “this is what you should think, you big moron.” That’s not what I mean at all.

It’s hard too, because my ideal for human behavior I am not at all good at showing. I’m weak-willed. So my opinion sounds worth about a pinch of salt, thinking of it that way. I can’t blame him for thinking this-I experience a similar opinion sometimes, when someone is being what I feel is forceful with their LDS views but then they don’t practice it at all. Lame. I hate that. Both hypocrisy and that by not living what I say I believe perfectly, I seem to exemplify it.

He was a good sport-I asked him a lot of questions. I could see how that could be hard for someone-maybe they’d feel like they were being attacked. That’s not what I was trying to do-destroy their basis of belief or something. He just believes something I don’t understand at all-doesn’t it make sense to ask questions when your understanding is at a big 0?

I just feel so sad now. So sorry for him. The way I understand it, he’s never felt comfortable with faith, so doesn’t really believe in any religion. He likes things that are quantifiable. But he feels his life is without purpose currently: he doesn’t feel peace with his lack of belief, either. How empty and lonely that must feel.

You know, almost two years ago I said something similar to what I’m about to say and I lost a friend for it, but really…that’s fine. That’s life. In this case, when I’m going to post access to an experience with someone who had lost their faith and how it made me more sure of my own faith…I think its ok. I don’t think my cousin will mind. I don’t think he’s hiding anything I’ve said here. And, as I said, hopefully he knows I love him. I’m not looking down on his ‘lostness’ with scorn and contempt, proudly dusting off my high throne of beliefs.

I’m glad to find, in the midst of the sorrow at his lacking in life, that my own faith is still sound. It is not shaken. It’s always comforting to feel strongly about something that others sometimes have contempt for, and when it’s tested it not fold under the pressure.

Because even with this, even with what he said I still can say I know God lives. I have no quantifiable evidence for this. Just my heart, and the Spirit. I know the Holy Ghost exists, and it’s not something I made up. I wish there was a way I could explain this that could satisfy the need for evidence that so many people have, but I have none. This can quite easily make people discredit my opinion, but…for those who might possibly read this who are not of my faith, who do not respect LDS people or anyone who believes in God…sorry.

I know Jesus Christ died for us. I know horrible, horrible things happen on this earth that seem far too evil to co-exist with a loving God, but even with these I know He lives. I know He loves all of His children. I know we will be held accountable for all that we do in this life, and that those who commit those horrible, heinous crimes will have to answer to God for them. I know we are challenged, and that’s how it’s supposed to be. And I don’t know but I feel that we are mainly not here for ourselves-we’re here to do things for others, and in the process our own needs will be satisfied. But I do not believe the fact that in the process our own needs are satisfied, is why we do things for others. Or at least, it shouldn’t be why. We’re capable of doing good just because it’s good, not because it also makes us feel good.

Just as I will try hard to respect others opinions, I hope mine can be. It shouldn’t even matter! Unfortunately, I really don’t like it when my opinion is not respected. Stupid pride.

October 15, 2010

woo hoo!10/15/2010

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So exciting: I got a 99 on my last math test. 99%! Whoa nelly!!! It's cause I got a 95, but they let you turn in homework for an extra 4 percentage points. I was even more proud of myself after finding out most of the kids in the class not only failed it, but failed miserably. Like 35%. I don't really get that, though: they have online tests over the same material for past semesters. I just made sure I could do those and I was golden. That's not that hard, is it?

Other than this random awesome math test...we're in the middle of mid-terms. Which seems kinda early to me, but it's all good. I had a 2400-word paper to write on the Bushmen in Africa for my Anthropology class, and a terrifying test for my History of Psychology class. It was over 7 chapters! oi! And in History of Psych, the entire grade is dependent on 3 tests-the first two during the semester and the final.

But all is turning out so much better than I expected! I still don't know if I passed the Psych test-it was an essay test-but I got the paper written really fast, it felt like! I was really happy. :)

In other news...have I ever mentioned how I burn almost anything I cook in the oven? Its true. It's a good thing we took the batteries out of the smoke detector. Lately I've burned banana bread, cookies, bacon (that was stove), and...I forgot the other one. I guess that's another reason it's good Sammy's a good cook! -Oh yeah. I didn't burn, but I don't know how to make good noodles. I know it seems ridiculous-you just put them in water, how hard can it be?-but any time we make pasta (which isn't often-I'm a rice woman) I ruin it. Moral of the story: don't ask Ariel to make spaghetti, or bake pretty much anything.

October 5, 2010: children coming out the wazoo

So I don't know how much I've said about my job so far. My position is technically "Para-professional/Supervisor in the ESOL department of the Provo City School District." Sounds pretty fancy, eh? Nice how I can fool people that way: I'm really just a babysitter. While their parents go learn English, I take care of kids from 6ish-8ish Tuesday-Thursday, excluding holidays.

It was a pretty cushy job for a few weeks there. Three weeks ago on back, we had 4 'teachers' and a volunteer, to take care of 6 well-behaved children. Not exactly a hard job.

I guess I should have known it couldn't last forever. My supervisor quit, which means I got bumped up. More responsibility for the same pay...yay!....Why do I seem so un-enthused? I bet lots of people would love to be in my position! Let me explain:

I hate planning crafts. Hate it. When I worked in a pre-school/daycare center a year and a half ago, crafts were what sucked out my extra spending money and took up the only free time I had, and I was constantly agonizing "Oh man, what are we going to do next week?!" I'd spend hours trying to find 'crafts' or 'activities' online that could be fun for the kids, but didn't require many materials. This is harder than you would think! Or easier than I think. Either way.

My supervisor was great, because she was the head honcho and she would plan out our days. I just got to follow along, helping the kids. But since she's left, and our regular amount of kids has gone from six to 22, things have changed quite a bit.

It really is interesting how you never know what the day is going to bring. Some days I get home and think "That was tiring, but it was really great!" or other days "Ugh. I need to ask Sam to get a vasectomy." (Not really, relax...)

So what did today bring?
Well,
a) I had forgotten babies could scream so loudly and make themselves sick from missing their parents so much,
b) I was impressed with how the older troublemakers, when given some responsibility, can step up so much,
and c) I have that much more respect for Elementary Education majors. Seriously, why would you want to submit yourself to that? I'm glad you're out there, folks! I can only imagine the horror our schools would become if there were 20 Ariel's trying to teach the classes. Helloooooo five hour nap time.

September 29, 2010

I just made a different post, but I thought I'd post again about our weekend in Franklin. It was really great! It's always nice getting to spend time with the family, and we also got to see some friends.
We arrived late Friday night, and had a nice supper waiting for us. We chatted with my in-laws, Darren and LoaLee, put in some laundry, played with the pets a bit, and headed to bed.
Saturday we slept in (which was glorious), did homework, and then took the horses out to an arena and rode them a bit along with Jotham, Hyrum, Mark and Hollie. (Jamie and Hannah were at a bridal shower of one of Jamie's sisters.) I was actually really terrified to ride the horse. I don't know why! We watched Seabiscuit fairly recently, so maybe I was just thinking about that part when Toby Maguire falls off and his leg gets horribly broken, from being strapped to the horse.
Anyway I really was terrified of going any faster than a slow walk. Every time the horses started to, I 'whoa'-ed.
But really, it was a nice time! I especially always love seeing my Samuel Don, at home on a horse. My hot cowboy husband!
Friday evening, LoaLee and I went to this stake dinner for Relief Society sisters that was put on before the Relief Society broadcast, and then Sam and Darren met with us and we all headed over to the wedding reception of Kevin Jensen and his new wife, Nida.
I thought that was really great! I got to see the two of them together, which made the whole thing finally seem real to me. It had almost seemed like a big prank before to me-I guess I forget that people's lives go on, even when I'm not watching.
We also got to see Kevin's twin, Ryan, and James and Jenna. I really love when we get to see any of these people or Mark and Halsey, because I think Sam is just happier when he gets to see his close friends. I wish they would all move to Utah Valley! Oh well.
We also had at our table a boy with down syndrome that Sam went to high school with, and a boy with autism that Sam grew up with. It made for fun conversation at the table. It was great. :)
On the way home from the reception we stopped at Grandma Hatch's place, just to say hello. I'm glad Darren thought to do this. It makes me sad when I think how lonely people must get, living all alone and not working. I hope Sam and I go at the same time! I was glad we could give her some company for a little while, and listen to some of her poems. She's actually a published poet, which is way cool in my opinion. I doubt I'll ever be able to say that.
Finally, we finished up Saturday evening with munching on popcorn and watching the first half of "Fiddler on the Roof" on my in-law's new, really nice TV. That was so fun. I love a lot of the music from Fiddler, but I hadn't seen it in a long time.
I need to work on homework, so I'll just finish this up real fast: Sunday morning we watched the Relief Society broadcast that we had missed the night before because of the reception, went to church, had dinner and soon after Sam and I had to leave. Pres. Monson's talk was amazing: he quoted Mother Teresa, saying "If you judge people, you don't have time to love them." That was good for me to hear: I've been really angry lately, and really judgmental. I'll have to keep this in mind.
Toodles -Ariel June

September 29, 2010

Sam and I decided last week that it would be nice if he laid off on the Optometry school thing for a while. He's already got over ninety credits, and has to take almost all of his major courses still. If he were to try to take all of the pre-reqs for optometry school, that'd be like another major as well. So that's kind of nice! I think he's been a lot more cheerful since making this decision.
He is also, for right now, planning on becoming a helicopter pilot after graduation. I know that might sound...fake, but he's serious about it. I'm proud of him: he's done a lot research with it, and he thinks it'd be something he enjoyed. It's a tentative plan, of course-we have two years to decide if he's really going to fork out enough for the schooling, but for right now the decision seems to suit us.
I also am really tired of school. It's not that I'm ungrateful, or that it's a waste of time. It's a huge blessing! But I'm not good at keeping up. I'm grateful I have such a supportive husband: no matter what happens, he'll be supportive. He wants me to be happy, and be proud of myself. He has suggested maybe I should take fewer classes than most people at a time, as I've said I might do in the past, and I've been considering it. It's just hard right now, since I still at minimum have 3 semesters and an internship after this one left already. Part of me wants to get done as soon as possible, since school is so hard for me so I should stick with it to be sure I finish.
I'm getting to be really sick of people my age. Weird, eh? I suppose I should be more accurate: students. BYU students. Particularly those in my anthropology class/lab, and a few in my math lecture yesterday. I hate the idea that we only go to school for a grade. Though it's hard for me to do it for much other reason, I think we should go to learn. But in my anthropology lab last week, this loud kid said "None of what he lectures on, we will be tested on. Since all we have are assignments and papers in this class. So none of it matters."
None of it matters? Really? That's a really rude thing to say about our professor, and about the subject-none of it matters. This will probably be the only anthropology class any of them ever take: why not get the most of it?
Or another person said we shouldn't discuss anything that wasn't directly related to our paper. What? What about curiosity? Shouldn't discussion of the subject material be encouraged? Sheesh!
In my math lecture, we were going over new material that was SUPER EASY! I don't know how she could have made it any easier. It's simply plugging things in: nothing complex about it at all. But these girls sitting behind me just criticized her teaching and complained/whined about their lack of understanding the entire hour. Maybe if you spent less time whining to each other, and asked actual questions you wouldn't have such a hard time!
It's made me feel even more that I could never be a teacher. Students are merciless! If they don't understand, it's all your fault and that's that. If you have any kind of personality, they will find a way to make fun of it. Sheesh. Aren't teachers people, too?
I guess all of this made me really grateful for a story Sam related to me that his D&C teacher told the class today. He said when BYU was first starting out, back when it was "Brigham Young Academy," one of Brigham Young's daughters was a teacher. But the academy struggled so much, they couldn't pay the teachers. The only way the teachers got paid was if students brought them things, like potatoes and chickens. They were struggling enough that this daughter of Brigham Young went to the prophet of the time, John Taylor, and told him about it. He told her "Don't worry. Christ has this school in mind, and everything will be fine."
Sam's teacher's point was that this is a special school. How many universities could say Christ is watching over it? And because it's a special school, everyone should remember how privileged they are to be attending. He said for every student enrolled, there are five to ten people out there who desperately want to be a student, but weren't able to. Who would give anything to be.
I guess it just gave me some peace of mind. I shouldn't say it made me 'smug,' but the message seemed to say to me "You aren't the only one with this in mind, and you're right. Time at BYU should be taken advantage of."
Now I just have to take advantage of it myself! I'm trying-I just have to try harder.

September 19, 2010: Gettin some digits

...that title probably sounds pretty weird, considering I'm married. But for the first time since January, when it happened then, a guy asked me for my number! Awkward...


In January it was this guy who I quite literally ran into on the stairs at BYU-I. He sure was hasty-he said something like "What, a girl bumps into a guy and he doesn't even get her number?" Check the finger, man.


This time I was chatting with this kid I had a crush on in elementary school who'd just gotten back from his mission, when another kid I knew in high school who also just got back from a mission came up. We only talked for like 2 minutes and he had to get to class, which was fine...but then he asked that uncomfortable phrase, "Can I get your number?" I just kinda stood there gaping like a fish...but I didn't know what to do! I didn't want to make him feel like a moron, but I thought if I said "I'm married" he might have been like "...I wasn't trying to ask you out, or anything." Looking back though, why else would you get the opposite sex's number? I guess old friends to keep in contact kind of, but ones that are married? Not so much.


So yeah...I gave it to him! I'm such a weirdo. I felt really uncomfortable for the next twenty minutes, thinking "Did I just do something unfaithful? My heart wasn't in the wrong place, and I'm not attracted to him at all...oi!"
Finally, I couldn't take it any longer and texted the guy and said "Um, I'm married, just so you know." He was a good sport and texted back "That explains the weird look you gave me when I asked for your number!"

So all is well again. I'm not some adulterous hoochie mama, don't worry.

Actual date this was written: September 14, 2010

Sam and I are trying to save money. We have been since we've been married. Not like save up for anything, just try not to spend too much since we're poor.

It's become a new interest for me, finding deals in food so we get to save more money. It's almost a hobby: I love it when we can find things on sale, in bulk or ways to make things from scratch that are WAY cheaper than what we would have spent buying it at the store.
One good example: guacamole. I have a passion for guacamole, and we always make it ourselves. Yum!
One bad example: Tortilla chips. The first time they weren't so bad, but the second time was a nasty fattening disaster.
Some things to make from scratch are more adventurous than others; anyone could agree. But I thought bread was a common thing to make at home rather than buy it at the store, so thought I'd give it a go.

Never again!

Attempt one: I started with a simple recipe I'd found online. "Amish White Bread." Where can you go wrong? I like following recipes-it's very easy to do correctly. But I pour the stinky, brown yeast into the water and...nothing happens. ? What? I stir and stir, but to no avail. I finally check the expiration date on my yeast, and find that it should have been used up four years ago. Yikes! (It's pretty funny considering I got that yeast as a bridal shower/wedding present...in December 2009, already three years past it's expiration date.) I laugh, and think 'no biggie, I'll grab some good yeast next time I go shopping.'




Attempt two: I got the new yeast at the store, and went back for another shot at it. I get to the same road-block, expecting to this time coast past it, and...fail! The yeast still would not activate! Whaa??? I'm kind of frustrated now, thinking "Seriously? This is ridiculous." But I calm down, and think for a moment...and realize the water probably wasn't the right temperature! I smile, relax, and go waste my time facebooking for the next hour.

Attempt three: This time I could almost taste the success. Bread. Successfully made bread. I heat up the water to the perfect temperature, measure the exactly correct amount of brand new yeast, and...that stupid mass in the bowl will only turn into a thick brown paste! It will not rise to save it's life!

I toss my hands into the air, grab a carton of ice cream, and sulk on the couch.

Good thing my husband is more resourceful than I am. He called his mom, who after a few other suggestions tells us we could pour in sugar and that might help.
Annnnndddddddd.....................

It finally worked! Yayyyy!
The only final problem was that we didn't have two pans to bake them in, so Sam spread them out on a cookie sheet and made 'french' bread instead. And it tastes great! I have such a talented husband. :)

But I still hate yeast. urg.

Actual date this was written: September 12, 2010

Well, Sam and I are now two weeks into our first full semester at BYU. And good gravy, it is way harder than BYU-Idaho. Maybe that's partly because I'm taking 16 credits and working (though only working like 7 1/2 hours each week). I've never taken that many before so it's rather challenging.


Sam had a really hard schedule too, and he was working almost 20 hours per week at the same time. That's not easy! He was really un-happy and stressed all the time, so I talked him into dropping his physics class for now (which was just a repeat anyway) and taking a D&C class instead. I'm so glad he did! I think it's working out a lot better.


We're currently trying to decide what career path my Samuel Don should take. He's planning on continuing to take Pre-Optometry classes as well as his Linguistics courses, for the rest of his stay here at BYU. But for one thing I'm not sure if they'll let him, considering he's only starting the major now and already has 90+ credits, and for another...as he put it, Optometry, along with a lot of other careers, is only like an 8 on the scale of 1-10, 10 being what you're most passionate about. He doesn't really care about it all that much, but he likes that the hours are consistent and often you can set them yourself (if you own your own...practice? business? whatever it's called).


What I think would be perfect was if he could actually find a career that was sticking with Linguistics. I think he has a passion for languages, and would enjoy that immensely.


We have also talked about him being a helicopter pilot. His parents his stared at him when he said that, almost like he was joking, but they said they were supportive and I'm sure they would be if he did indeed decide to pursue it seriously.


I too have no idea what I'm going to use my major, Psychology for, since the more I think about it the less I want a job in the field. But who cares, I'll figure it out.


We had kind of an interesting discussion on Friday about Utah Valley. We went to the wedding reception of a childhood neighbor/friend of mine, and there were all these other young people there, wearing the latest trends and with the hottest hairstyles. On the car ride home, Sam kind of explained that people like that make him feel bad. Not bad about himself, or bad in a guilty way because he's judging them. Bad because they aren't living the way the Lord wants us to. The best way I could understand was thinking in terms of like 'Sunday Mormons.' I think he was suggesting there are a lot of people he sees constantly in Provo who seem to fit this. Who have their hearts set on the things of the world, on wearing the most expensive clothes and having the most money and the best smile.


It was kind of sad for me to think about, because it's true, I see people like that all the time. And it's frustrating for those of us who try not to be that way: they give us a bad wrap. Both as Mormons to non-members, and as 'Utah Mormons' to members who don't live in the state.


But I guess it's also an opportunity for Sam and I, and that's how I've been trying to see it. First, to resist looking down on people like this. It can be easy to do. Self-righteousness is easy to fall into-hello, it's pride. Look at the Book of Mormon and you can count how frequently the people became prideful.
And second, to set an example. To love everyone, and dress and act in a way the Lord would approve of. To focus on what counts, and try to ignore what doesn't.


I think that's enough for the day. Happy sabbath -Ariel

Actual date this was written: September 5, 2010

Well, we started school this week. We're running with the big dogs now at BYU! When I was in high school this seemed to be the easy, not-challenging-yourself school for all the smart kids in my classes. But having spent the past two years up at BYU-Idaho, I felt pretty intimidated to start.
Now I'm more just excited. It is going to be harder, but I think both Sam and I are plenty smart enough to be attending here. In fact, I felt pretty good about myself when I explained this question we had to answer in my new anthropology class to all my classmates since nobody understood it. Is that vain? Probably, but I liked it anyway.
We've been living in our new place for almost a month now, and we both really think it's great. We were stupid, though: we thought there was no swamp cooler or air conditioning, so just suffered through a few nights until my parents lent us a fan. But this past week we discovered a swamp cooler: surprise!
I've decided I need to set a goal to re-connect with all the many friends I've lost contact with, since being married. I only have because I'm selfish: my own needs were being satisfied, so I stopped seeing if I could keep being a friend. Lame. So even though I stink at being a friend, I'm hoping I can have lunch with a few girls from high school and maybe some people from BYU-I who moved down here as well, just one at a time and catch up. Then STAY caught up. Goal.
It's kind of fun that all of Sam's friends have been getting married this year. Now we can double with more people! That's another goal: to make friends as a couple. Normally we're just anti-social and do our own thing.
Changing the subject: I finished the Book of Mormon for the first time this past week. It was really a neat experience. I'm so glad now BYU and BYU-Idaho require you take the Book of Mormon class, because it got me to read! Yay! I learned a lot, and my testimony of the Book of Mormon was just re-confirmed. It was pretty cool: it wasn't like I heard a voice whispering "this is true" or anything. It was more just as it got closer to the end, I had the feeling, "you've known all along this is true. Because it is. Simple as that."
That's it for tonight, just felt like writing. tata-Ariel