You know what's weird? I've been skinny my whole life (up until now, and even then I'm not doing that bad for having two kids and never exercising, just got a wee bit of flab in the middle region). But this really gave me no advantage (at least as a minor) in self esteem.
I just thought it might be helpful to know: skinniness wasn't some form of pride for me, because it just...was. In fact, it was quite the opposite: I was a seriously scrawny kid. And I knew it. (And still dis-like my chicken legs, mainly at the knee. Those things will poke your eye out.) Then I hit....12-year-old-hood, and looked around and witnessed all these girls my age blossoming into these lovely young women. But I'd look in the mirror and still see someone who looked three years younger than she actually was, with crooked teeth and pasty-white skin. Boo.
It makes sense now. As one man put it in his blog, women are taught that they are supposed to be desired. Period.
It wasn't magazines, or seeing skinny women in movies that made my self image rocky. It was seeing what men WANTED, which was women who...looked really feminine. So small waist-to-hip ratio, and large breasts. These were the girls, and later women, who got attention, and as I was taught by the media--I was supposed to be desired. Women are supposed to be the ones who are pursued, and should have attentions to brush off left and right.
So what did this tell me? That my worth was not dependent on being small (because from experience, I knew this did not give any advantage), but on being desirable in a more carnal way. And I certainly wasn't. I was a 'late bloomer.'
Even into adulthood, when I finally got a smidgen of curves and some guys in college seemed to think I wasn't as gawky as I thought I was, it was the attentions of the opposite sex that gave me my confidence boosts. Everyone wants to be desired, right? But isn't it obvious what a horrible foundation to build one's self confidence on? No wonder so many women have a hard time with aging.
I guess I have a couple points in telling this:
- I know lots of women have issues, SERIOUS issues, with viewing their body as fat. But not all do. And honestly, I think the biggest impact here will come from the family, particularly the mom. I feel blessed to say I never really remember hearing my mom talk badly about her image in front of me, so I never had a bad example to follow. So yes, the media needs to change...but mamas of girls will make so, so much more of an impact.
- No one looks perfect, and basically every female I can remember knowing, when asked (in a girl-talk kind of way) if they would change anything about their appearance, would change something. (I am certainly not exempt: I've always wished I could be tan.)
- Yes, the average woman with a lead role in a movie is skinnier than the average woman in normal life. But I don't think attacking this is accurate enough: what really needs to change are the stories being told. Women are not as limited as they seem in movies and on tv: they are not just pretty for the men's benefit, a little slice of pie for when he gets bored. They aren't only interested in doing their hair, or being helpless and needing rescue. Or even in, you know, "proving their womanhood" by being ridiculously violent. They can be strong, and insecure, and lovely, but they can also be witty, and un-expected, and awkward, and mature and forgiving. And what I REALLY wish I'd learned: they are not all ridiculously beautiful, and live only to attract men and then shrug off the attentions snootily. They can also be the pursuers! They can also have poor face symmetry and still be a man's entire world; they can be pasty and not have large breasts and still be wonderful company. Their lives do not revolve around sex, on one side of it or another. (And this is still all the romantic stuff, which is wonderful but only one aspect of a wonderful life!) Which brings me to my last idea:
- Maybe men in movies and on tv need to change, too. I know there are men out there that are as...unscrupulous, as they're depicted to be; who live for one night stands and do view women as objects. But not all do, and it's a dis-credit to them to make it seem like NO men respect women, and the main goal of every day needs to be sexual gratification if you were born with a Y chromosome. It'd be great to see a man who believed in sexual purity, on tv. Who isn't a monk. A monk who usually turns out to be a big fighter, anyway. (FIGHTERS! Violence is another big one, but for another day.)
Midnight musings. I guess ultimately, I hope I can do the same my mom did as far as not giving my daughter(s) one more thing they have to fight, and I hope that my kids can see that there's more to life than only romance, what surrounds romance and violence. Fingers crossed.
-Ariel June
