What does your 'true love' look like?

This won't be quite as detailed as I'd make it in a journal, but whatevs.

I wanted to talk about something that movies seem to revolve around, that tv shows seem to revolve around, that MANY many young female conversations revolve around. That life (almost) revolves around: love. And the pursuit of 'true love.'

True love, painted in movies and books and tv shows and minds, is usually really easy. Or on the other end, extremely hard. It doesn't seem to be in-between. It's about instant connections; it's about soul mates. It's about butterflies and being swept off one's feet, or being the strong protector (depending on your gender, unfortunately). It's about being perfectly complimentary. And it often involves a race-to-tell-them-I-love-them 'suspense' scene.

Oh boy!

But you know what? I'm going to say something that I think most young, single people do not want to hear: I think the vast majority of people are a lot more normal than they'd like to view themselves, and their love may not be as exciting as love seems to be from these sources.

No! Not that!

In a country where being 'unique' is absolutely essential...I think in this pursuit for uniqueness, a lot of people are a lot more similar than they'd like to see. It's easy to dismiss others as all the same-but YOU are different. YOU have depth, YOU have other interests. We've gone over this in my Social Psychology class, and it just sang to me as truth: people usually view themselves as unique, but do not view others as such.

I think that's why we cling to little things that we see as 'different from others' in ourselves: because that makes us feel...special, kind of. Important. Needed. Like we fill a space that no one else could.

It is kind of a romantic idea, but you know what? This is something I'm still learning in life, but work with me here: it's okay to be normal. Seriously. It's okay to be one of many others. What if the many others are working towards something absolutely wonderful? Isn't it worth contributing? It's really getting down to the difference between individualistic and collectivistic cultures, and seeing some of the beauty in collectivistic cultures.

I guess this is kind of two separate streams of thoughts combined, but here's my point: because of this uniqueness, people want someone who's equally 'unique,' who would fit them like no one else would and compliment their every aspect. But really...this seems silly.

I think now, after being married for...well I'm going to say a 'while' (but you can interpret 2 5/6 years however you like), that's not really what it's about. Love is not a tremendous, extraordinary connection. Love is more a choice. It's the end result of a willingness to think of yourself and your own needs as 2nd priority over someone else's. And when children come, your own needs as 3rd priority. Which can be crazy hard when American culture has taught you life is about fulfilling yourself, and everything you do should be working toward that. But who does that put at the top of the list? ...you...yeah.

Butterflies are fun, certainly. But they don't last forever. And they needn't, really. There's something that's incredibly...I want to say fulfilling but this doesn't capture it enough. Deeper, much deeper. Greater. Stronger, more lasting, more powerful. About a lasting relationship between two 'normal' people.

The things that do kind of fall into the category of "soul mate" with Sam are pretty great, certainly. They make things easier I think. But they don't matter nearly as much as how hard we're trying to be good spouses for one another.

Example: We both enjoy beauty found in nature. We both like eating at fun restaurants. The dream house for both of us is not necessarily a huge house, but with some land and kind of in the country but located not too far from a fair-sized city. And we both sometimes feel socially inadequate-we call some people that intimidate us 'coolios', the people that are good at staying in sync with the latest trends and are really outgoing.

But on a daily basis, beauty in nature doesn't come up very much, really. But you know what does? Dirty dishes. We eat every day (no way!), and those dirty dishes pile up. And what makes a bigger difference in our relationship is not really the things that we have in common, but the things we're willing to do just because we love one another. So Sam or I will do the dishes, because both of us hate doing the dishes. So then the other person doesn't have to. Or Sam will have dinner waiting for me when I get home from class, because he knows I'll be hungry. Or yesterday, after I'd gone in to check on Jori when she just wasn't falling asleep for a nap and I was feeling sad listening to her cry, Sam had run downstairs and grabbed me a couple E.L. Fudge cookies because he knew those would be a nice little surprise for a sweets-lover like myself.

It's not the 'unique, this-is-who-I-am-and-it-will-never-change' things about Sam that make it true love. It's the choices we make to act. Deciding whether 'who he is is a giving, selfless person or not' is a waste of time. 'Who we are,' I still believe, is determined by what we do-what we devote our time to. And we have control over that. So examining how well the puzzle pieces of our souls fit together is a waste of time-Sam is my soul mate because I chose him, period, and it is true love when he chooses to act (on love he feels for me) selflessly.

So what does my true love look like? Mainly that: washed dishes. Dinner on the table. Occasional flowers are a fun surprise that I appreciate, but even better is this willingness to watch a redbox movie with me because I love movies. For Sam, it's when I choose to spend time on my appearance for him. When I've straightened up the living room, because he can't relax when things are crazy messy. Willingness to listen to whatever the other one wants to say, and paying attention. Asking questions. Checking up on the other during the day, just to see how they're doing. Reading scriptures together at breakfast.  Praying as a family in Jori's room every night. For me, it's encouraging comments from Sam about whatever I'm tackling-homework, parenting etc. Even if I need to let him know I need the encouraging comments, even if I need to let him know what to say-even those times, because he chooses to act, even if it's just to recite back to me something I've asked him to say, it's true love. He doesn't have to be a psychic mind-reader to be my soul mate. Saying we're sorry, because we both screw up a lot. Forgiving each other for said screw ups. Choosing not to ever talk badly about the other person with others, even when we're really annoyed with each other. Changing Jori's poopy diapers, or taking her into another room (or outside) when she's having a hissy fit. Ending every phone call with "Love you," even if it was only a 20 second phone call. Which they frequently are, actually. Neither of us are great phone talkers.

This leads me to want to write a post on what I do think is absolutely necessary to look for in the search for a spouse, but for now I'll end this one with the question: what does your 'true love' look like?

What bridges have you burned?

I've been thinking lately about things I wish I had done differently. Not like huge, crazy things...just things that are like 'Dang. That's a shame.'

I'll tell you about one: after I got my heart broken in 2008, I was a serious wreck for a long time. Actually looking back I wouldn't have done anything differently in that time-I got two part-time jobs that kept me plenty busy; I was involved in my church calling; and I met a different guy who became a real confidant, a real close friend. But all of this was just going through the motions-I just could not get over this other guy. I think partly this was because three weeks after he ended things with me he started dating someone else, a friend of his who had the qualities that I had lacked. That sort of thing just kind of stings, ya know? Just reminds you that much more what your weaknesses are.

Anyway then I moved back to Rexburg, and seriously I think where I lived was a god-send. I had 14 roommates. 14! I lived in a house with all those other girls, and even in my bedroom there were three others. And you know what? There was no drama! I swear, none of them at all were petty or competitive, like girls are stereotyped to be. They were crazy and fun and different and all, so complimentary to one another. All so lovely, so wonderful in different ways. And they welcomed me in with open arms, totally willing to accept my awkward and shy personality. I still didn't feel ready for a lot of it, but because of them and their adventures I had some serious fun when I returned to Rexburg, even if I didn't know how to allow it or resisted going along. Even with my self-destructive tendency to avoid social outings/gatherings, since...I don't know exactly. I think I fear people will be bored with me. But they didn't care! They didn't judge like I fear being judged by people who...I don't know are really outgoing or dress well or, just any of the things that intimidate me.

But now I regret, in the fall I had next  to no contact with any of them. Because of that unfortunate aspect of my personality-just thinking I'm not interesting enough for certain crowds or certain people, so even if I care about them not really keeping up contact. And then I got married, and then I wanted to downsize my facebook so deleted half of them as facebook friends because I thought they'd think it was creepy that I looked on their profile pages so frequently to see all the happenings of their lives without actually talking with them. I mean the idea is creepy, isn't it? But I've regretted that-even tried to re-add them and they didn't accept. But I wish I'd kept better contact with these girls, particularly the ones I shared a room with, because they were seriously angels. I wish I could express this to them, how much good they did in my life.

But perhaps even more, even more than the fact that I burned that bridge, I regret that it's only so evident to me because they didn't accept my friend requests. I wish that weren't necessary!

It just makes me that much more grateful for all the lovely people that I consider to be friends, even though I'm terrible at being a friend really. I lose contact so easily because....well frankly, I think it's cause I'm just shy. And it's easier, requires less energy, to see things just on the internet than to maintain actual relationships. Even though I care about a lot of people that I haven't talked to in ages. Kind of lame, don't you think? I mean that's not what I consciously think when I check people's blogs and facebook pages and what-have-you, but I think that's what's behind it.

I don't write this to make people uncomfortable-oops, sorry if I did. Or to make anyone feel sorry for me! How silly. I'm not like depressed right now, don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just being thoughtful, reflecting, and wondering-what bridges have you burned? Whether actively or passively?

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