Tender mercies...and then some somewhat unpleasant news.

Yesterday was kind of an off day for Jori and I. You know how they go-one of us is grumpy (though which one starts it is a chicken-or-the-egg-first argument), so the other one gets grumpy and then it just keeps playing back and forth all day. It wasn't even really all day-she had a really long nap, so I had a nice reprieve then, it just seemed the worst in the afternoon.

So Sam took Jori with him in the backyard where he was barbequing chicken, and I had a chance to try to catch my breath.

And here I'd like to add a snippet from my childhood: my family sang a lot growing up. Not like a crazy amount, but we always sang at FHE and when we got older my parents would have more elaborate arrangements of things to sing...at least for the boys. (I got shafted-there's no room for a girl in barbershop quartets.) Anyway the point is my parents raised me to sing,  when I'm supposed to sing. So I always sang out in church, because that was the example they set. And with such music drifting around in our home, I came to memorize a lot of hymns that I still have memorized to this day. And the Lord really blesses me with this knowledge: often, when something is going on in my life, a hymn will pop into my head that is just perfect for the occasion. Even when I wasn't seeking it! This has been such a wonderful gift for me.

So that's what happened yesterday: a hymn popped into my head. But I'd never thought to apply the hymn I did, to the situation I did. So when I tell (or  remind) you the words to the first verse of this song, think of how frustrated and discouraged I was with my parenting, and feeling like I wasn't able to get through to Jori and calm her down. How exhausted I was from such a long day, and also how guilty I felt for knowing I played a big part in any negativity that day. And then, the words came to me and I began to sing:

Let us all press on in the work of the Lord,
That when life is o'er we may gain a reward.
In the fight for right let us yield a sword,
The mighty sword of truth.
Fear not, though the enemy deride,
Courage! For the Lord is on our side
We will heed not what the wicked may say
But the Lord, alone we will obey.

I'd always thought of that song for things like missionary work, service projects, standing up for the gospel in the face of evil. I'd never applied it to the work of a homemaker. But those words were for me yesterday! The sword of truth: truth, the knowledge that THIS is the Lord's work. Raising up a new generation of His children in love, and teaching them to love the Lord and follow Him. Even if I don't feel like I'm to that point at all yet. And fear not: discouragement will come. But the Lord is on our side. The Lord is on my side!!! I knew this of course, but singing it, reminding  myself of it, brought me to tears. It was such a comfort, to think Heavenly Father doesn't want to scold me, to frown down at me, to make me feel bad about my job as a parent. Of course we have to answer for the wrongs we do to our children, of course repentance is necessary, but He wants more than anything  for us to succeed. He isn't rooting  for our failure-He's doing everything we let Him to, to help us succeed. He is not smug when we're having a bad day-I think when we mess up, He is full of sorrow. Of sympathetic (or empathetic?) sorrow: He knows we're causing ourselves and our children unhappiness when we act selfishly, and He doesn't want either.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I wanted to share it in case anyone else might need this reminder. Even if it's just me, at a later date. Sometimes the best way to motivate change is through chastising, but sometimes a gentler approach is needed and it was for me yesterday. And I got it. What a tender mercy.

Besides this...I haven't been sharing much about it, but our life is kind of crazy right now. A friend posted on her blog the other day the title "Up in the air" and said, first line "Our life is up in the air again right now." This pretty much sums things up for us again, too. We won't be staying in California after March, we now know, but we also won't be staying with this company. It's a long story...and I shouldn't share it until we've let Sam's boss know and why, but we just don't feel like the pros are outweighing the cons of the company. And we're not being high-maintenance, I swear! It's not enough financially to live on, otherwise we might reconsider. But for the amount of work Sam is doing and the outcomes and the pay...as I said, I should just leave it at that for now. But anyway, right now our plan is to stay here until March, since at the end of March is when we'll need to move out, and then we'll be moving into Sam's parent's basement for a while while we, you know, re-evaluate. Neither of us ever wanted to have to live with our parents, but sometimes you have to swallow your pride. You'd think I'd be used to the taste by now but it's still rotten.

Anyway. The funniest part about it, to me, is that we both felt so strongly that we were supposed to be down here in California, and now we don't know why. I have a few theories-a brother of mine pursued a career that after he was in it, discovered he hated it, and  when he lost his job it ended up being a blessing I think because that just sped up the pursuing-something-else process. I think it might be like that: things with the company are actually worse than they were in Utah down here in California, so maybe Sam needed to experience that to finally push him into leaving. And I bet this will end up being a blessing for us in the long run. It's just getting to that long run that isn't so clear.

So! Our life is up in the air again. Bah. Just please don't blame Sam-he's doing everything he can for our family, and sacrifices so much for our benefit every single day. Some people just have better luck than others-one of my brothers was lucky  enough to have a huge interest of his, also be a field that pays really well and there are a lot of jobs in even with only a bachelor's degree. We, however, have not been one of those families. But that's all right-I've never worried about Sam, because he's a hard worker and does everything one is supposed to do really to be able to provide: does a good job at work, acts selflessly, spends frugally, etc. I know we'll get it figured out, I just hope against hope Sam doesn't have to stay in jobs he hates for the rest of his life.

If you're still reading you get a gold star. :) I miss most everyone who would ever read this thing; it's difficult to be so far from so many people I love. But we're trying to just enjoy our time left in California for now, and consider our possibilities. Graduate school is almost definitely in our future, but we don't want to pursue it until we've made up our minds about a certain degree/career. So! that's it. Ta-ta all. Cross your fingers for us.

September-December, 2012

So, I'm still having a hard time figuring out where the happy medium between pictures and words is, in a blog post. I'll probably continue to experiment, and still have a fair amount of no-picture ones that are just thoughts. But I'm way behind on pictures but don't want to upload them all here! So instead, I think I'll give some of the highlights, and then perhaps link to my picasa account where more photos can be found. Break!

Early September/late August, we travelled up to Cache Valley for our nephew Mark's baptism. This was really neat for me: I hadn't been to a baptism in years! It was a real treat to get to witness. While up there, we also started work on some nightstands, and got to go canoeing with most of my sis-in-law Jamie's family after the baptism.

 Also, my husband is crazy:

We also enjoyed hiking with our friends, Mark and Halsey Holt, to the Y sometime in September. (I forget.) 

We had another trip up to Cache Valley for General Conference, and it gave Sam the opportunity to enjoy a nice fall ride. 

In October, we had fun at a trip to Cornbelly's Corn Maze with my family. They had so much to do there! I was very impressed. Jori had a great time, and it was fun watching the other grand kids enjoy things as well. 

 For Halloween, we had three occasions to dress Jori up in her beautiful little Chinese dress: a friend's birthday party, the ward trunk or treat, and...I forget the other. We didn't actually take her trick or treating, because we didn't think she'd get the point. Maybe that's just silly of us, though. :)

We also did a murder mystery dinner/game with three of Sam's old mission buddies and their wives, the Friday before Halloween. It was such fun, we decided to do another one on the actual night of Halloween with ward friends. We were less involved the 2nd time, not dressing up, but it was still a lot of fun. :)

Early November, we celebrated Sam's 26th birthday by going out to eat a couple of different times. I think on the actual day, we went to Tucanos, but we also went (without Jori) to the Banana Leaf, which serves Sri Lankan food. Yum! We love fun new places to eat, especially Eastern!! (His food arrived wrapped in an actual banana leaf. How fun!)

Also in November, it snowed for the first time this winter season in Provo. I was thrilled because I'd been afraid it wouldn't snow until after we'd moved to Cali. Yay! So we went on the hunt and bought Jori some good snow clothes, then took her sledding. She didn't like it as much this year as last, interestingly.

 We spent Thanksgiving with Sam's parents this year, and that was right after we'd moved out of our last place. I french-braided Jori's hair for the first time, which (silly as it sounds) I'm very proud of. Jori also got to ride a horse with her daddy for the first time, and she absolutely loved it. She loves loves loves Grandma and Grandpa Hatch's horses! 

Early December, we moved down South! It's insanity, I tell you what. On  the way we stopped to see our good friends, James and Jenna Hess, and their two kids. Ella (their 2-year-old) is 8 months older than Jori, and she was so good with her! I was very grateful. 

 I think little Drake's face is priceless here, haha: 

(We also got to see my good friend and old roommate, Sydney Jackson,  but I forgot all about pictures that time.)

In December, we started enjoying the beach: 

 (frizzy haired profile shot! Beautiful beautiful! Sam's got a trophy wife for sure! :P)

Made some new friends (before they had to go back to Oregon): 

Visited the Mission, in San Juan Capistrano:

 (Look at those humongous, awesome colored goldfish!)

...and I scurried like a mad woman to finish my Independent Study class by the deadline, then my normal classes. (I did, phew!)

After we flew back to Utah for the holidays, we enjoyed the snow: 

And family, a lot. A lot a lot!

After Christmas, we had the misfortune that night of waking up to Jori wailing. Poor thing had a bad fever, and continued  to for about three days (in varying extremities). After Jori got over the worst of it, we caught it, which kind of put a damper on our New Years and family time with Sam's family. But we still enjoyed them and what we were able to do. Everyone loved sledding down the driveway (hill, really): 

And Jori had a lot of fun with the dogs at Grandma and Grandpa's house. 

 She also stole my camera and snapped some pics. This one's my favorite. I love that perfect little foot. :D

While there, we also had the Hatch Family Christmas Party (the main event of the season), but unfortunately Jori was really sick for the first half so I missed a lot of it. Still, what I was there for I enjoyed. And Jotham and Jamie (mentioned them earlier-one of their boys got baptized a few months back) had a game night at their new house in Benson. Love game nights! Sam and I also, for the first time since we've been married, went away for the night of our anniversary and stayed at a Bed and Breakfast in Logan called the Anniversary Inn. We stayed in the "Aphrodite's Court" room, which was beautiful. It was so nice to have some alone time. The only thing that would have made it better were if I hadn't started to have the flu symptoms that night. Drat! 

And that was pretty much the last four months of 2012! I consider myself, officially caught-up on my blog! Phew! 

Sometimes, I forget I created this to document our lives...

So, looking over the blog...I've only written about our lives in the past post, at the end of November since like...August! And it wasn't in the normal style I do, either! But knowing me, I'll go WAY overboard if I don't limit myself so I'll try to sum things up with as few words as possible. Here we go:

• September...I can't  really remember very well. ?
• October, we had a lot of fun doing a "Murder Mystery" night, playing one of the How to Host a Murder games. The first one we prepped for for like, 2 weeks, and did it the Friday before  Halloween with old mission friends of Sam's and their wives. The second one we only thought of it 3 days before, and did on actual Halloween night with some ward friends. Both were great. :) I wish we could do one with every different set of friends we could think of: old roommates, old high school friends, family, etc.
• Jori was a little Chinese lady for Halloween. That doesn't sound politically correct but not sure how else to say it. You know just beautiful, decorative Chinese dresses? She just wore one of those we have for her and some shoes that match. It's beautiful, and she was absolutely adorable. 
• I signed up for 9 credits this Fall Semester, which was the most I've taken at one time since Jori was born, with Sam gone most of the time. (Last Spring I was a full-time student, but Sam was home almost all the time.) It ended up being nuts because my religion class (Survey of World Religions) was interesting but (for me) WAY hard. Bah! 
• One of those 3 classes in the 9 credits was an Independent Study class, Writing in the Social Sciences, which means you set your own schedule...but because I had Pell Grants paying for it, I still had to get it done by this past Friday, December 14th. This ended up being a recipe for disaster: I put it off for far too long, and then we moved, so I did...something like 75% of the class, in a week and a half. Phew. Never again. Good thing I have an amazingly supportive husband! 

• Thanksgiving we spent with Sam's parents and his sister, Melanie and her family. It was great, I just didn't enjoy as much of it as I would have if I didn't have the Independent Study class hanging over my head. I was trying to work on it a lot of the time. At least I won't have that dilemma at Christmas.
• We drove down to St. George Nov. 30th, then the rest of the way to Dana Point, CA December 1st. We got to see one of my very favorite old roommates, Sydney Jackson, and spent the night with her; we also got to see one of Sam's very best friends from forever, James Hess, and his wife Jenna and their kids. I also love them a lot so I was thrilled to get to spend some time there. 
• Our place is on a really...well, hoity toity road, you have to have a lot of moolah to live here (unless you have a sweet deal worked out like us), but it's one of the smallest on this whole long road. Thank goodness-it's surreal enough to live in a beach house, but at least it's about the size we're used to (just 2 small bedrooms and a living room and kitchen). It'd be hard to call it home if it was super huge or something-we're just not used to that or ready for it just yet, I think. It's been so cool to be here-Jori loves the ocean. I'm just terrified she's going to drown every time we go down to it, because she runs right for the water and then it comes in and if I didn't grab her she could be swept away so easily. This reminds me of the other one I wanted to say...
• Our neighbors are wonderful. They'll only be here till the end of the month, which makes me sad, but they're this family from Oregon who comes down to California to sell Christmas trees every winter. It's actually an older generation and their two kids, and then their kids' families. So there's one girl that's only 2 months older than me, and she has two kids, the oldest of which is a month younger than Jori. The other woman is older and has six kids, and she's wonderful too. They aren't LDS but I swear they could be-they dress very conservatively, home school their kids, highly prioritize the Bible...it's great! I'm happy to have neighbors with such strong morals that I can relate to, and that there's someone Jori's age. Even though Jori thinks she's older than she is, I swear. She'll steal the older kids' bikes, particularly this one trike, but then cry cause she can't reach the pedals. Silly girl. 
• Our first weekend here, we spent with my uncle Kelly and his wife Marlayna, and their two boys (Seth and Ammon). Seth did something way funny, to me: he told me "You better watch your step, because there's mistletoe hanging in some places!" I told him "Watch out, I might jump out and smooch ya!" Then I left the room. Sam said something like "Careful Seth, she really might kiss ya!" And he smiled and said "That's what I was hoping for." Then I found him "nonchalantly" hanging out under the mistletoe, so I kissed his cheek and he did the 'cha-ching' with the arms sign, you know the one? And let out a huge "YEEEESSSSS!" silly boy.

That's about it for a catch-up. I do hate driving on the freeways down here, just as I suspected, but I have hope I'll get used to it eventually. Oh! And one of my finals? The one for my Independent Study course, actually. I had to have it proctored, so it was shipped to the closest place they had listed in their system...but I had to pay fifty bucks to take the test at this testing center! Fifty!! I thought a five dollar late fee that BYU charges was bad...never again, geeze. 

Want to know the story of Sam's job?

I'm really tired and I shouldn't be typing in here, seriously now I have homework to do...but I just wrote a letter to Dave about the biggest change in our lives right now and realized I've put very little about our actual lives on here for a while. So! Here's what I sent to him, a la copy+paste. And a wee bit of deleting. Ta Da! This isn't very well written but it was also written to my little brother, so I feel less like I need to write correctly and more comfortable writing...conversationally? Lazy? Take your pick.

So it was like, incredible how Sam found a job after graduation. His friend saw an ad for a management position in a landscaping company that's based in California but has grown a lot so has business in Utah now too, and they were looking for someone who spoke Spanish. Interestingly, his friend really felt like this was for Sam. The Spirit must have told him! So anyway he forwarded it on to Sam, and Sam called the number listed on there. Turned out the woman in Sam's friend's ward who had listed it actually did for her brother, who is the CEO of the company. She just thought she'd plug it in the ward newsletter because she knew her brother was looking for someone to do it: the job hadn't been listed anywhere else. 

So anyway she gives Sam her brother's number, and his name is Ralph. Probably one of the nicest guys I'll ever meet, and REALLY has the gift of gab. So Sam had never talked to him before and was only talking to him on the phone, and Ralph did most of the talking anyway, but the guy liked Sam. And the neatest part about this company (to me) is that the guy is LDS, and pretty much everyone who works there is LDS. He uses that to get business: it's called Deseret Landscape for that reason. They do the landscaping for a couple temples down in California, actually. And just good LDS people can associate the business with LDS standards and want to hire them. So anyway I really feel like he was just listening to the Spirit, but he told Sam that he was going to hold the job for him for now, and they'd meet in person that weekend when Ralph was up here in Utah (since he lives in Southern Cali). And he was even like "Bring your wife along, I want her to feel comfortable with this whole thing too." Amazing guy! 

So we went to this house that Ralph's in-laws own, but don't live in, in Provo (where Ralph and his family stay when they're here in Utah). And we got to meet him and his wife and the kids still living at home, and then Ralph and Sam kind of went off and did an interview and he hired Sam. Woo hoo! It's not perfect-we're still not quite what you'd call financially stable, mainly because it doesn't have any benefits and is only 25 hours a week. But it's been a wonderful opportunity for Sam nonetheless, and it really has felt like this is exactly where he's supposed to be right now. 

So Sam's actual job has not been a labor job, which he's been very grateful for. Instead it's been basically a step above that: he talks to the people in charge at all the businesses and figures out what they want, then makes sure the laborers do that. Basically. 

But anyway we weren't sure what we were going to do this winter, because obviously there isn't landscaping to be done in Utah in the winter. Nothing's growing! So I kept feeling like a move was coming, but I didn't know where. I thought either there was a chance we'd be moving down to California (though we hadn't talked about it with his boss at all), or Sam would be finding a different job and we'd be moving to some other state, or something. We even checked out some other places we could live here, but it just didn't feel right to me. I thought we'd be leaving. 

Turns out that feeling was correct: the guy who does the same job as Sam but down in California, they had to fire because he turned out to be kind of a crazy man. So they suggested Sam could do his job for the winter, but the cost of living down there is so expensive it didn't seem plausible for us to do it. But then the CFO of the company (the financial guru) is just as amazing as the CEO, and even though she's never met us in person she's been so impressed with Sam in their phone calls and business interactions (partly because she had the crazy guy who was not very nice to her to compare Sam to) that she decided she is going to offer us one of her houses to live in for the winter, for really cheap! Serious. It's insane. She's a very wealthy, very generous woman who owns properties all over the place, but this is still really really extreme and kind of her. But she's LDS too, and she really felt like this is what she's supposed to do right now. So who knows why, but it seems we were meant to move down to Orange County, California for the winter! I'm pumped. :) 

That's the biggest news: we'll be driving down that way this weekend, and other than coming back for Christmas will stay until March. There's the potential for us to stay there longer, for Sam to just keep that job after the winter instead of going back to doing the work here in Utah, but only if he were to get a raise since we can only live in her place for that long and otherwise couldn't afford it. Anyway. Crazy. 

So other than that, I'm just scrambling to try to finish up the semester (since I'm still in school, remember) and get ready to move down. Next semester I'll take all Independent Study courses. Right now I'm taking Survey of World Religions and Intro to Social Psychology just as normal, on-campus classes, but my Independent Study course is an English course that's kicking my butt. I've gotta really push to be able to pass this one, because I have to be done with everything and have it all turned in by December 14th or I automatically fail. Even if I completed 14/15 assignments and the last one's only worth 8% of the grade, automatic fail. Bah. 

What does your 'true love' look like?

This won't be quite as detailed as I'd make it in a journal, but whatevs.

I wanted to talk about something that movies seem to revolve around, that tv shows seem to revolve around, that MANY many young female conversations revolve around. That life (almost) revolves around: love. And the pursuit of 'true love.'

True love, painted in movies and books and tv shows and minds, is usually really easy. Or on the other end, extremely hard. It doesn't seem to be in-between. It's about instant connections; it's about soul mates. It's about butterflies and being swept off one's feet, or being the strong protector (depending on your gender, unfortunately). It's about being perfectly complimentary. And it often involves a race-to-tell-them-I-love-them 'suspense' scene.

Oh boy!

But you know what? I'm going to say something that I think most young, single people do not want to hear: I think the vast majority of people are a lot more normal than they'd like to view themselves, and their love may not be as exciting as love seems to be from these sources.

No! Not that!

In a country where being 'unique' is absolutely essential...I think in this pursuit for uniqueness, a lot of people are a lot more similar than they'd like to see. It's easy to dismiss others as all the same-but YOU are different. YOU have depth, YOU have other interests. We've gone over this in my Social Psychology class, and it just sang to me as truth: people usually view themselves as unique, but do not view others as such.

I think that's why we cling to little things that we see as 'different from others' in ourselves: because that makes us feel...special, kind of. Important. Needed. Like we fill a space that no one else could.

It is kind of a romantic idea, but you know what? This is something I'm still learning in life, but work with me here: it's okay to be normal. Seriously. It's okay to be one of many others. What if the many others are working towards something absolutely wonderful? Isn't it worth contributing? It's really getting down to the difference between individualistic and collectivistic cultures, and seeing some of the beauty in collectivistic cultures.

I guess this is kind of two separate streams of thoughts combined, but here's my point: because of this uniqueness, people want someone who's equally 'unique,' who would fit them like no one else would and compliment their every aspect. But really...this seems silly.

I think now, after being married for...well I'm going to say a 'while' (but you can interpret 2 5/6 years however you like), that's not really what it's about. Love is not a tremendous, extraordinary connection. Love is more a choice. It's the end result of a willingness to think of yourself and your own needs as 2nd priority over someone else's. And when children come, your own needs as 3rd priority. Which can be crazy hard when American culture has taught you life is about fulfilling yourself, and everything you do should be working toward that. But who does that put at the top of the list? ...you...yeah.

Butterflies are fun, certainly. But they don't last forever. And they needn't, really. There's something that's incredibly...I want to say fulfilling but this doesn't capture it enough. Deeper, much deeper. Greater. Stronger, more lasting, more powerful. About a lasting relationship between two 'normal' people.

The things that do kind of fall into the category of "soul mate" with Sam are pretty great, certainly. They make things easier I think. But they don't matter nearly as much as how hard we're trying to be good spouses for one another.

Example: We both enjoy beauty found in nature. We both like eating at fun restaurants. The dream house for both of us is not necessarily a huge house, but with some land and kind of in the country but located not too far from a fair-sized city. And we both sometimes feel socially inadequate-we call some people that intimidate us 'coolios', the people that are good at staying in sync with the latest trends and are really outgoing.

But on a daily basis, beauty in nature doesn't come up very much, really. But you know what does? Dirty dishes. We eat every day (no way!), and those dirty dishes pile up. And what makes a bigger difference in our relationship is not really the things that we have in common, but the things we're willing to do just because we love one another. So Sam or I will do the dishes, because both of us hate doing the dishes. So then the other person doesn't have to. Or Sam will have dinner waiting for me when I get home from class, because he knows I'll be hungry. Or yesterday, after I'd gone in to check on Jori when she just wasn't falling asleep for a nap and I was feeling sad listening to her cry, Sam had run downstairs and grabbed me a couple E.L. Fudge cookies because he knew those would be a nice little surprise for a sweets-lover like myself.

It's not the 'unique, this-is-who-I-am-and-it-will-never-change' things about Sam that make it true love. It's the choices we make to act. Deciding whether 'who he is is a giving, selfless person or not' is a waste of time. 'Who we are,' I still believe, is determined by what we do-what we devote our time to. And we have control over that. So examining how well the puzzle pieces of our souls fit together is a waste of time-Sam is my soul mate because I chose him, period, and it is true love when he chooses to act (on love he feels for me) selflessly.

So what does my true love look like? Mainly that: washed dishes. Dinner on the table. Occasional flowers are a fun surprise that I appreciate, but even better is this willingness to watch a redbox movie with me because I love movies. For Sam, it's when I choose to spend time on my appearance for him. When I've straightened up the living room, because he can't relax when things are crazy messy. Willingness to listen to whatever the other one wants to say, and paying attention. Asking questions. Checking up on the other during the day, just to see how they're doing. Reading scriptures together at breakfast.  Praying as a family in Jori's room every night. For me, it's encouraging comments from Sam about whatever I'm tackling-homework, parenting etc. Even if I need to let him know I need the encouraging comments, even if I need to let him know what to say-even those times, because he chooses to act, even if it's just to recite back to me something I've asked him to say, it's true love. He doesn't have to be a psychic mind-reader to be my soul mate. Saying we're sorry, because we both screw up a lot. Forgiving each other for said screw ups. Choosing not to ever talk badly about the other person with others, even when we're really annoyed with each other. Changing Jori's poopy diapers, or taking her into another room (or outside) when she's having a hissy fit. Ending every phone call with "Love you," even if it was only a 20 second phone call. Which they frequently are, actually. Neither of us are great phone talkers.

This leads me to want to write a post on what I do think is absolutely necessary to look for in the search for a spouse, but for now I'll end this one with the question: what does your 'true love' look like?

What bridges have you burned?

I've been thinking lately about things I wish I had done differently. Not like huge, crazy things...just things that are like 'Dang. That's a shame.'

I'll tell you about one: after I got my heart broken in 2008, I was a serious wreck for a long time. Actually looking back I wouldn't have done anything differently in that time-I got two part-time jobs that kept me plenty busy; I was involved in my church calling; and I met a different guy who became a real confidant, a real close friend. But all of this was just going through the motions-I just could not get over this other guy. I think partly this was because three weeks after he ended things with me he started dating someone else, a friend of his who had the qualities that I had lacked. That sort of thing just kind of stings, ya know? Just reminds you that much more what your weaknesses are.

Anyway then I moved back to Rexburg, and seriously I think where I lived was a god-send. I had 14 roommates. 14! I lived in a house with all those other girls, and even in my bedroom there were three others. And you know what? There was no drama! I swear, none of them at all were petty or competitive, like girls are stereotyped to be. They were crazy and fun and different and all, so complimentary to one another. All so lovely, so wonderful in different ways. And they welcomed me in with open arms, totally willing to accept my awkward and shy personality. I still didn't feel ready for a lot of it, but because of them and their adventures I had some serious fun when I returned to Rexburg, even if I didn't know how to allow it or resisted going along. Even with my self-destructive tendency to avoid social outings/gatherings, since...I don't know exactly. I think I fear people will be bored with me. But they didn't care! They didn't judge like I fear being judged by people who...I don't know are really outgoing or dress well or, just any of the things that intimidate me.

But now I regret, in the fall I had next  to no contact with any of them. Because of that unfortunate aspect of my personality-just thinking I'm not interesting enough for certain crowds or certain people, so even if I care about them not really keeping up contact. And then I got married, and then I wanted to downsize my facebook so deleted half of them as facebook friends because I thought they'd think it was creepy that I looked on their profile pages so frequently to see all the happenings of their lives without actually talking with them. I mean the idea is creepy, isn't it? But I've regretted that-even tried to re-add them and they didn't accept. But I wish I'd kept better contact with these girls, particularly the ones I shared a room with, because they were seriously angels. I wish I could express this to them, how much good they did in my life.

But perhaps even more, even more than the fact that I burned that bridge, I regret that it's only so evident to me because they didn't accept my friend requests. I wish that weren't necessary!

It just makes me that much more grateful for all the lovely people that I consider to be friends, even though I'm terrible at being a friend really. I lose contact so easily because....well frankly, I think it's cause I'm just shy. And it's easier, requires less energy, to see things just on the internet than to maintain actual relationships. Even though I care about a lot of people that I haven't talked to in ages. Kind of lame, don't you think? I mean that's not what I consciously think when I check people's blogs and facebook pages and what-have-you, but I think that's what's behind it.

I don't write this to make people uncomfortable-oops, sorry if I did. Or to make anyone feel sorry for me! How silly. I'm not like depressed right now, don't worry, I'm fine. I'm just being thoughtful, reflecting, and wondering-what bridges have you burned? Whether actively or passively?

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