Tender mercies...and then some somewhat unpleasant news.

Yesterday was kind of an off day for Jori and I. You know how they go-one of us is grumpy (though which one starts it is a chicken-or-the-egg-first argument), so the other one gets grumpy and then it just keeps playing back and forth all day. It wasn't even really all day-she had a really long nap, so I had a nice reprieve then, it just seemed the worst in the afternoon.

So Sam took Jori with him in the backyard where he was barbequing chicken, and I had a chance to try to catch my breath.

And here I'd like to add a snippet from my childhood: my family sang a lot growing up. Not like a crazy amount, but we always sang at FHE and when we got older my parents would have more elaborate arrangements of things to sing...at least for the boys. (I got shafted-there's no room for a girl in barbershop quartets.) Anyway the point is my parents raised me to sing,  when I'm supposed to sing. So I always sang out in church, because that was the example they set. And with such music drifting around in our home, I came to memorize a lot of hymns that I still have memorized to this day. And the Lord really blesses me with this knowledge: often, when something is going on in my life, a hymn will pop into my head that is just perfect for the occasion. Even when I wasn't seeking it! This has been such a wonderful gift for me.

So that's what happened yesterday: a hymn popped into my head. But I'd never thought to apply the hymn I did, to the situation I did. So when I tell (or  remind) you the words to the first verse of this song, think of how frustrated and discouraged I was with my parenting, and feeling like I wasn't able to get through to Jori and calm her down. How exhausted I was from such a long day, and also how guilty I felt for knowing I played a big part in any negativity that day. And then, the words came to me and I began to sing:

Let us all press on in the work of the Lord,
That when life is o'er we may gain a reward.
In the fight for right let us yield a sword,
The mighty sword of truth.
Fear not, though the enemy deride,
Courage! For the Lord is on our side
We will heed not what the wicked may say
But the Lord, alone we will obey.

I'd always thought of that song for things like missionary work, service projects, standing up for the gospel in the face of evil. I'd never applied it to the work of a homemaker. But those words were for me yesterday! The sword of truth: truth, the knowledge that THIS is the Lord's work. Raising up a new generation of His children in love, and teaching them to love the Lord and follow Him. Even if I don't feel like I'm to that point at all yet. And fear not: discouragement will come. But the Lord is on our side. The Lord is on my side!!! I knew this of course, but singing it, reminding  myself of it, brought me to tears. It was such a comfort, to think Heavenly Father doesn't want to scold me, to frown down at me, to make me feel bad about my job as a parent. Of course we have to answer for the wrongs we do to our children, of course repentance is necessary, but He wants more than anything  for us to succeed. He isn't rooting  for our failure-He's doing everything we let Him to, to help us succeed. He is not smug when we're having a bad day-I think when we mess up, He is full of sorrow. Of sympathetic (or empathetic?) sorrow: He knows we're causing ourselves and our children unhappiness when we act selfishly, and He doesn't want either.

I don't know if this makes any sense, but I wanted to share it in case anyone else might need this reminder. Even if it's just me, at a later date. Sometimes the best way to motivate change is through chastising, but sometimes a gentler approach is needed and it was for me yesterday. And I got it. What a tender mercy.

Besides this...I haven't been sharing much about it, but our life is kind of crazy right now. A friend posted on her blog the other day the title "Up in the air" and said, first line "Our life is up in the air again right now." This pretty much sums things up for us again, too. We won't be staying in California after March, we now know, but we also won't be staying with this company. It's a long story...and I shouldn't share it until we've let Sam's boss know and why, but we just don't feel like the pros are outweighing the cons of the company. And we're not being high-maintenance, I swear! It's not enough financially to live on, otherwise we might reconsider. But for the amount of work Sam is doing and the outcomes and the pay...as I said, I should just leave it at that for now. But anyway, right now our plan is to stay here until March, since at the end of March is when we'll need to move out, and then we'll be moving into Sam's parent's basement for a while while we, you know, re-evaluate. Neither of us ever wanted to have to live with our parents, but sometimes you have to swallow your pride. You'd think I'd be used to the taste by now but it's still rotten.

Anyway. The funniest part about it, to me, is that we both felt so strongly that we were supposed to be down here in California, and now we don't know why. I have a few theories-a brother of mine pursued a career that after he was in it, discovered he hated it, and  when he lost his job it ended up being a blessing I think because that just sped up the pursuing-something-else process. I think it might be like that: things with the company are actually worse than they were in Utah down here in California, so maybe Sam needed to experience that to finally push him into leaving. And I bet this will end up being a blessing for us in the long run. It's just getting to that long run that isn't so clear.

So! Our life is up in the air again. Bah. Just please don't blame Sam-he's doing everything he can for our family, and sacrifices so much for our benefit every single day. Some people just have better luck than others-one of my brothers was lucky  enough to have a huge interest of his, also be a field that pays really well and there are a lot of jobs in even with only a bachelor's degree. We, however, have not been one of those families. But that's all right-I've never worried about Sam, because he's a hard worker and does everything one is supposed to do really to be able to provide: does a good job at work, acts selflessly, spends frugally, etc. I know we'll get it figured out, I just hope against hope Sam doesn't have to stay in jobs he hates for the rest of his life.

If you're still reading you get a gold star. :) I miss most everyone who would ever read this thing; it's difficult to be so far from so many people I love. But we're trying to just enjoy our time left in California for now, and consider our possibilities. Graduate school is almost definitely in our future, but we don't want to pursue it until we've made up our minds about a certain degree/career. So! that's it. Ta-ta all. Cross your fingers for us.