1. I took 'Personality,' a Psychology course while I was at BYU-Idaho. And I loved it. I think it was mainly because of the professor--he was awesome. He'd spent some time living in the bush. Like, Africa bush. Seriously. And he'd talk about the American mindset kind of (it was three years ago so I'm probably skewing everything in my mind, blahhh). But it was interesting because I don't think I'd thought about it much before. But it was essentially, the difference between a collectivistic and an individualistic culture that we were discussing. And his point was everything in America is all about 'Feel good about yourself...you deserve it!...don't change, you're wonderful!...Know yourself!...' etc. At least, this is what I've taken away from said class. And I thought, "Lame!" It seemed so true to me. And how selfish do we sound?? Ridiculous. And embarrassing.
Later, I think he mentioned how when people ask him, you know, how he's doing, but digging for a deeper answer...he said he doesn't really want to know. Which is such a compelling and different thought, to me. I mean I think he also talked about he knew that he loved his children and his wife, but that he didn't want to bother with thinking about 'how he was doing' too much.
Again, love that! Just seems dandy to me. Love that idea. So there's that...
2. I love this one quote, given in a talk by Elder Wirthlin in Dec. 2000 called Lessons Learned in the Journey of Life. It actually has a quote within a quote, which is great :) "George Bernard Shaw said, 'Life isn’t about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.' Don’t worry about searching for who you are; focus your energies on creating the kind of person you want to be! You will discover that as you pursue that journey you will not only find yourself, but chances are you will be pleasantly surprised and proud of the person you find along the way." It just fits so nicely, to me. Just feels right, in my mind.
3. Something I've noticed: I have my highs, and my lows. I had a fair amount of lows in teen years, just because I did. Most probably do, though it always seemed like others had some things more together than I. But still. I noticed when I'd get really low, I'd write (much like I'm currently doing...) and usually it would help me organize my thoughts and thus, make me feel better. Or, I'd pray, and I'd receive comfort. And that was perfect.
But when I've moved past those hard moments and looked back, you know what I realize about most of them? Maybe it was okay that I felt bad about some of them, because it could have inspired change. It's kind of going back to the 'American mindset' thing. It's all about being happy with who you are right now. In fact, that seems to be the point of most of what I've studied in Psychology, too. But what about this: what about if you are, in fact, being a total idiot? And you feel bad because you should? Because you're not going to correct anything, you're not going to change for the better in any way whatsoever, without that guilt...will you? I mean, is it all bad? It seems like there are two ways to handle guilt: decide the reason you're feeling guilty is unnecessary, or decide it is appropriate and correct the problem. What seems more worthwhile?
In my mind, theoretically and all...it seems so much more worthwhile to use guilt as a motivator for change. I mean, when you're being reasonable. When you're feeling guilty about things that are stupid, just recognize they're stupid, right? But they aren't all stupid, is what I'm saying.
So this makes up a lot of what my opinions are, and thus comments are, in, say, Relief Society. Because I do think it's true, women are oftentimes too hard on themselves. I certainly can relate-queen of worry over here. Ridiculous, really. However: if we're always making excuses, always rationalizing being lazy in this or that and in-between...I just kind of feel like that's not what God really wants of us, is it? Doesn't he want us to continuously be striving to be better?
I bet most women are continuously striving to be better and making changes, and I'm just not and so feel (appropriately) guilty because I can recognize that this is a problem. But when I rationalize my own weaknesses in this or that I usually thus dismiss them as a problem (unintentionally, I think!), or distract away from them and try not to think about them. (Ummm....it ain't gonna fix itself...) Meh. I don't know.
So what's my dilemma, exactly?
Wellll....I think I do recognize, yeah. I may be against the American mindset but I'm still American, and still live in an individualistic culture. I can strive to think of others/the 'whole,' as they do in a collectivistic culture where everyone's part of one big thing, they're all a group and everyone contributes and they thus think differently and whatnot...but I'm still living in our own lil apartment, and it's just our family. It's still going to be just Jori and me, most of the day long. (And a mini-man before too long.) So...I still do struggle with the questions my culture, this culture, seems to. And those things are:
- Who am I, exactly?
Bah, it embarrasses and annoys me that this question even troubles me! However. When I come across people who do seem to have it all together...or at least, they just seem perfectly aware of who they are and content with it...I do have the thought "Man. I wish I was like that."
- How can I be happy? How can I be satisfied with the life I have, as I know I should?
This, too, is frustrating to me that I even have trouble with this. But an unfortunate aspect of my personality: the grass is always greener on the other side. I have ALWAYS looked to different stages in life, or different people, and yearned for what it must be like in my silly fantasy mind. I mean not really really, I'm not like "Man I wish I was them..." or "Man I wish my life was like that (again [sometimes])." It's more just in twinges /feelings than full-out thoughts. But I dislike this struggle immensely, because 1. Duh, I must not be all that happy if I'm wondering how I can be happy; and 2. I KNOW this time of life is soooooooooooo important. This was actually the stage I looked forward to most, I think. Being a mama of young kiddos. And it's not just about me! I have a sweet little life to care for, to teach and love and nurture. And soon will have another. And how can I be giving them all I should if I'm preoccupied by my own issue, of not appreciating what I have and where I'm at in life? Eh?? Plus I feel terrible as far as like, not being appreciative of them. They are such a blessing, these little lives, and deserve to bestow all the happiness that they offer instead of possibly inadvertently being treated like a second choice sometimes, or something. You know? Does that make sense? Hm.
So. I guess I'm just curious...where the truth lies, almost. Because I believe in living as the person you hope to be, and the rest falling into place, hypothetically..but I also feel dissatisfied even though I'm ridiculously, incredibly, tremendously blessed. So if for no other reason, how do I appreciate and love the life I have so that my children and husband get to have a pleasant wife and mother, without doing it by focusing on myself? Cause that too just doesn't seem to quite fit (solving the problem of being dissatisfied/not knowing who I am by spending more time on myself/'finding myself'). There's a scripture I think of here, too, in Matthew 10:39, "He that findeth his life shall lose it, but he that loseth his life for my sake shall find it."
So my conclusion currently is...try to be more like Christ. Eh? So what would Christ do, to be better, if He were me? Because I'm already giving Jori most of my time...what could I do better? Hmmm. I've thought of like, filling up her days with more worthwhile activities, like crafts and little lessons to start teaching her and such, but whenever I try to plan those things I get overwhelmed since they seem expensive and intense (one search on pinterest and within three minutes I'm in over my head). Bahhh.
Well. I guess I've laid out my current mental state effectively enough. :) Ha. How do other mothers of young kiddos do it? Eh?
-Ariel June
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