You know, this is kind of embarrassing to admit. But I write it hoping it'll clear up some troubling thoughts in my head, to write them out.
For as long as I can remember, I've wanted a large family. I come from a family of six, so that's probably why whenever I pictured my own family someday growing up I pictured plenty of kids. But now that I have one, I just don't know if that's going to happen. And I feel really conflicted about it.
Maybe it's because my mom had three kids under the age of two at one point, and four under the age of four. I've always had tremendous respect for my mom for doing that, and tremendous respect for other mothers who somehow manage with a whole ton of tiny kiddos running around their place. And I always thought "That's going to be me." I always aspired to be one of those ladies-I thought they were so impressive.
It's funny, because I don't think (or if I do, I'm not aware of it) any less of women who have kids really far spaced out apart, or choose to keep their family smaller. But I think without meaning to, I've always kind of pictured the women who do have a ton/have kids real close together, as super incredible. Like only the strongest can do that, kind of?
I guess what it gets down to is a comparing thing. Because who doesn't want to be the 'best of the best,' in general? Everyone would like to be, of course they would. And even though having a ton of kids doesn't actually make you the best of the best, as far as parents go, it kind of seems like those ones must be to even be able to take care of and love that many kids without going nuts.
But I don't know if I can have a whole bushel of kids, after all.
I love my daughter with my whole heart. But I do not consider her to be an 'easy' baby. That's not really her fault-that's kind of my point: parenting is really hard, in my opinion. I'm not good at letting things roll off my back, I'm not good at not getting frustrated when Jori won't stop whining or throwing tantrums and I don't know why. I'm not even good at keeping her on her back long enough to put on a clean diaper. I'm not good at being confident that mommy knows best, because I don't think I do know best a lot of the time so I end up giving her mixed messages about things (like waking up in the night) and I make things worse that way.
Another thing: I am not one of those 'mommy does all childcare' moms. Part of that you can attribute to just having a good spouse, who doesn't have ridiculous ideas about 'the woman does all work in a home, because the man provides for her.' But part of that is because I demand the assistance, because I need it: I can't do it by myself.
Maybe that doesn't make sense, so let me give you a Sunday example: women who hold their babies the entire time in church. Women who are the only ones that take the baby out, when the baby is disrupting everybody. Women who manage to exercise, make yummy, nutritious home-cooked meals at least once a day, AND who do their hair and makeup beautifully all while taking care of the children. Women who feed their children, keeping the children calm, and also feed themselves without any difficulty.
Um? That's not me. yeesh.
Maybe I'm getting at two different points: my point is, I don't know how to think about only having two or three kids and not be...disappointed about it, almost. Because I won't be living up to the expectations of a younger Ariel. And partly because I do still want a large family, but partly...I just may not have the potential it seems so many other women reach, even in me.
I just don't know how they do it. I don't really know how to do anything but take care of my baby, when in charge of the baby. And I don't even know what to do with her for half the day-what do the good parents do?
I've had different friends say that as soon as they gave birth, they honestly couldn't wait to get pregnant again. Partly so they could go through the pregnancy process all over again, but mainly just because they were so happy at having an addition they couldn't wait to have another one. And I don't know how to not feel guilty thinking about that, because Jori's almost one, and I still have no idea if I'm ready to have another one yet. I almost feel like the clock is ticking so I need to get a move on, that that's what good LDS parents do is to have another one close in age...but I can honestly say that if I had gotten pregnant when Jori was still really tiny, I would have been inconsolable for a good while.
I don't know why I'm talking about this-it's just been on my mind a ton lately. I don't know how many kids I'm going to have, and I haven't even made up my mind about how many I want to have. But I wish I felt like that was ok. Or really, I wish I knew what the perfect number of children for my family would be, that would be Sam and I reaching our best parenting potential but not over-doing it (because I do think if I had a whole whole ton of kids, I would be a worse off parent for it. Not that others are). And I wish I was better at parenting, and loving every day I get to be one. And I can't help but wish I for sure wanted to be pregnant again soon. Because I feel like I should feel that way. Even though I know that that's nonsense. Bah. um...that's all. Leave me your thoughts if you managed to read this whole thing.
First off I want to say you are NOT alone! I feel the same way about rethinking how many children I want to have now that I have one. We really should sit down and talk about it sometime because I could write a whole novel about this very subject. I grew up in a family of 6 kids and I ALWAYS thought I would have at least 5 kids... pretty sure that is not happening now. One thing that makes me feel better is realizing that people that I think are AMAZING, President Monson for example, only have 3 kids. Anyway, really, lets chat about this sometime because you are alone.
ReplyDeleteKeep in mind, you are still students right now and that complicates life hugely. You are the first of your siblings to have a child before you are both graduated (and I didn't have that challenge either). Also keep in mind, you and Sam are terrific parents. You always seem to know what to do with that lil cupcake, and she is flourishing. One last thing, the spacing of children, and when it's time to stop having them, is a very hard decision for most women. Listen to your instincts. You are still young and have many childbearing years ahead of you. Guilt is not what you need to be feeling right now. "Be still and know that I am God." He loves you and will lift you up.
ReplyDelete^^^ I agree!! You are so great Ariel. I totally don't know how those moms do it either - but I can promise if they aren't as perfect as they seem with their kids they are not perfect in something else. Everyone has their strengths. Also, Cole helps out a lot with Ashton because I need breaks (and hes not even a hard baby!!) and most days when he gets home from work I am still in garments or pj's and I haven't brushed my teeth yet!! (I'm trying to work on that lol) I was one of those moms that wanted to get pregnant asap after having Ashton and then once he hit about 3.5 months I started thinking like you are now. Life is full of changes and phases. Don't beat yourself up! Just be close to the Lord :) love you!! If you ever want to talk feel free to call, text, email or skype! I am here for ya!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to say a few things even though I don't have experience with more than one child. You are a fabulous mom. Jori seems so happy every time I see her. You are doing a great job. I can't imagine having both James and I going to school while trying to raise Ella. I admire you for being able to do that. I also have James help me all the time and I don't have homework to be stressing about. To make you feel better, James takes care of Ella for most of sacrament meeting every week. Try not to stress about how many kids you want now. It will all fall into place when it is suppose to and you will know what's best for your family. Try not to compare yourself with other mothers. I know it is super hard because I do it all the time, but I have to remember I am doing the best I can for Ella and she loves me no matter what. Hang in there.
ReplyDeleteAriel, you underrate yourself! When I find myself comparing myself against other moms, I have to remind myself that they really don't have it all together as good as I think they do. They have their moments too. You'll know when its time to have another, or you'll just have a whoopsy because God said it was time. And if they are three years apart, that doesn't make you less of a mother, in fact it'll make you more of one because you'll be able to focus on them more individually and won't be spread so thin. And you'll stretch and grow into the challenge no matter when it happens, and no, your clock isn't ticking yet, don't stress or over think it too much. We love you and think you are a terrific mother. Jori has broken you in good. Stay constant and steady, you are on the right path, the peace will come.
ReplyDeleteIt's like you pulled these thoughts right out of my mind. Lol. Honestly, what I have come to understand, is that, if you can't handle it, it wouldn't happen to you. I bet before jori was born you never thought you would be able to handle a fussy newborn, but you did and you were great at it, whether you think so or not. I always thought I would have no kids, then I started to warm to the idea of having several kids, and now I'm back to the no kids thing. Lol. Okay, maybe not "no" kids, but certainly not a lot. When I look at my mother and Diane, I just think that they are saints. Absolutely. I asked my mom once how she did it, and she simply said, "I just did. You dont think about it when you're in it, and you just do what needs to be done." I think having a spouse who's supportive and helpful does in no way make you a bad mother. In fact, I think that just means you chose well in your spouse. Keep your head up and know that how many kids you have is up to you and theres no pressure. No one is judging you.
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